I go every week and eat lunch with Nia and JJ at school. It's loud, messy, and germ-y, but I love visiting with Nia and JJ and looking at all of the other little toothless smiles at their tables. Fortunately Nia and JJ still like me to hug and kiss on them even in public in front of their friends. I also manage to get a few wipes of their mouths every now and then, with my spit and finger of course.
Last week half way through lunch, JJ looked at me and said, "thank you for coming to eat lunch with me Momma." I felt like Mrs. America. I go and eat lunch with them just because I love them. The fact that he was grateful, for an instant, for the time we had together was precious. He was thankful because he loves me back. What a perfect, brief picture of how our relationship with God is suppose to be.
We started Bible Study last week (we meet again today if you want to come) and Ashlie, our leader, started at the beginning, literally. She talked about creation and how God spent all the days before man creating the world just for man. God created everything for our contentment. We were created to be content. We were created to only need Him. Adam and Eve had absolutely everything. Work was joyful. The garden was perfect. They had the very presence of God with them. He walked with them. He conversed with them. They had no needs. They had no wants. Or they should have had no wants.
Then they went outside of God's design.
I wrote a quote of Ashlie's down from last week that has stuck with me. She said, "anythingoutside of God's design is flawed, it is just stuff we lust after." Eve lusted after the knowledge of good and evil. Adam sat back, watched, and then lusted as well. I cannot imagine being in the very presence of the Holy God everyday and wanting something else.
But I am in His presence.
I still want something else.
I am flawed.
So as a person who has surrendered my life to Christ, I have to live each day in God's design. I have to seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. (Col 3:1) I have to set my mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. (Col 3:2). I have to learn to be content and not lust for things outside of God's design. I have to learn how to overcome my flaws while living in a flawed world.
Thank God He gave me Christ.
I was listening to a sermon today by Matt Chandler. He was talking about how so many "Christians" are content living their flawed lives in a flawed world. He asked "why don't we make war on our sin?" Why do we not take it seriously? Why do we give into the lusts of this world? It is all so short.
So I am challenged. I am challenged in my flaws, in my sin, to live for Christ. I have everything I could ever need to be content in my relationship with God. I have the Holy Spirit's presence. I have God's Word. I have the power of prayer through God. I have the fellowship of other people who live for Christ. I have the ability to make war on sin. I have hope.
I go and eat lunch with my kids because I love them.....
JJ was thankful because he loves me back......
And in that, there is no flaw.
May you find contentment in God, live inside His design, and make war on sin.
"Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built
up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in
thanksgiving." Colossians 2:6-7
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Guilt
Sometimes our legs get knocked out from underneath us and we land on our butt. It takes a while to figure out how to get back on our feet. God may have us there for a time, or He may decide to help us stand back up right away. It hurts when we land, it hurts even more trying to stand. Either way, being on our butt, or on our feet, we cannot do it alone.
Having my kidney stones knocked me on my butt, both literally and figuratively. Getting blindsided by pain is no way to start a Monday. Then of course, the rest of that week went downhill from there. By that Friday, the 13th mind you, (I'm really not superstitious) I was left with a 10 inch plastic stint in my ureter, pain, another large stone still in my kidney, and an assortment of other by products of surgery that I will spare you the details on. That Friday the only thing I could really do was take a shower and then rest because I was exhausted.
As if I hadn't done enough butt sitting that week, the figurative set in---my guilt.
I know all the phases of grieving and I have seemed to experience them differently. I didn't think I would go through the guilt phase of grieving. But here I am. I am not really a crier but have been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. God really gave me a glimpse of how sick my Mom felt and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't understand. So the onslaught of "I wish I would have done this... or I wish I could say that..." began.
Guilt is a horrible thing because it is a response to something that can never be changed. It makes it hard to stand. It breeds into other areas of our life as well. It cripples us and makes us ineffective. It can even take us from sitting on our butt, to lying flat on our back.
So my guilt spilled over into my relationship with God. Since I was already feeling defeated in grief, let's attack what can enable me to stand. We all know that the main part of a relationship is spending time with somebody. How God desires time with us. We usually put our "time" with God into a small window of our day. We feel like we have to read our Bible, pray using some acrostic, maybe journal a few thoughts, and close it up to mark it off our "to do" list. Some days we get so hurried that we don't even spend time with God, but hey He is so forgiving so we will start over again tomorrow and make it right. Right?
I am so thankful that God ended that attack quickly. He told me the only way He wants me lying flat on my back is in worship and humility with Him, not in guilt. So He stood me up.
Why is my time with God locked into a timeframe everyday? Why do I feel like I have to set in place these motions each morning? Why does it end there? Why is it on my "to do" list? Is that worship? Is that a relationship?
God wants all our time. He wants all of us. He asked me why am I not praying without ceasing? Why do I say "amen" in the morning and leave it there? Why am I not picking up my Bible throughout the day reading scripture? Why do I not pray every time I think about something or someone? If I really want Him to continue to sanctify me, why am I limiting it to a set time each day. After all, we don't grow and change as humans only 20 to 30 minutes a day, we do it all day long. He wants us to get use to standing in worship or lying prostrate in worship of Him all day now. Because that is what we will be doing in eternity.
When God knocks you on your butt :) it is my prayer that you will spend all day, everyday getting to know Him and trying to stand. And if you can't stand, spend all day, everyday lying prostrate in humility and worship. That your quiet time would change to your quiet day. That reading our Bibles and praying would be so ingrained in our life that we would never view it as a separate time of our day. It is who we are. It is what we do. It is life.
He already knows us.......let's not limit our knowing Him.....because He is limitless.
Having my kidney stones knocked me on my butt, both literally and figuratively. Getting blindsided by pain is no way to start a Monday. Then of course, the rest of that week went downhill from there. By that Friday, the 13th mind you, (I'm really not superstitious) I was left with a 10 inch plastic stint in my ureter, pain, another large stone still in my kidney, and an assortment of other by products of surgery that I will spare you the details on. That Friday the only thing I could really do was take a shower and then rest because I was exhausted.
As if I hadn't done enough butt sitting that week, the figurative set in---my guilt.
I know all the phases of grieving and I have seemed to experience them differently. I didn't think I would go through the guilt phase of grieving. But here I am. I am not really a crier but have been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. God really gave me a glimpse of how sick my Mom felt and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't understand. So the onslaught of "I wish I would have done this... or I wish I could say that..." began.
Guilt is a horrible thing because it is a response to something that can never be changed. It makes it hard to stand. It breeds into other areas of our life as well. It cripples us and makes us ineffective. It can even take us from sitting on our butt, to lying flat on our back.
So my guilt spilled over into my relationship with God. Since I was already feeling defeated in grief, let's attack what can enable me to stand. We all know that the main part of a relationship is spending time with somebody. How God desires time with us. We usually put our "time" with God into a small window of our day. We feel like we have to read our Bible, pray using some acrostic, maybe journal a few thoughts, and close it up to mark it off our "to do" list. Some days we get so hurried that we don't even spend time with God, but hey He is so forgiving so we will start over again tomorrow and make it right. Right?
I am so thankful that God ended that attack quickly. He told me the only way He wants me lying flat on my back is in worship and humility with Him, not in guilt. So He stood me up.
Why is my time with God locked into a timeframe everyday? Why do I feel like I have to set in place these motions each morning? Why does it end there? Why is it on my "to do" list? Is that worship? Is that a relationship?
God wants all our time. He wants all of us. He asked me why am I not praying without ceasing? Why do I say "amen" in the morning and leave it there? Why am I not picking up my Bible throughout the day reading scripture? Why do I not pray every time I think about something or someone? If I really want Him to continue to sanctify me, why am I limiting it to a set time each day. After all, we don't grow and change as humans only 20 to 30 minutes a day, we do it all day long. He wants us to get use to standing in worship or lying prostrate in worship of Him all day now. Because that is what we will be doing in eternity.
When God knocks you on your butt :) it is my prayer that you will spend all day, everyday getting to know Him and trying to stand. And if you can't stand, spend all day, everyday lying prostrate in humility and worship. That your quiet time would change to your quiet day. That reading our Bibles and praying would be so ingrained in our life that we would never view it as a separate time of our day. It is who we are. It is what we do. It is life.
He already knows us.......let's not limit our knowing Him.....because He is limitless.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Stoned
A week ago today I accomplished a huge challenge. I did my first sprint triathlon. Yes, I'll pat myself on the back.
I trained.
I even prayed.
I freaked out.
I wanted to back out.
But I didn't.
I finished. Not too badly either.
But apparently I didn't hydrate..............
I always look at trials and even good things in my life and ask myself what does God want me to learn from this? Through stress, illness, moving, job changes, births, deaths, miscarriage, fear, anxiety, joy, happiness, complacency, and peace, I always expect a lesson from God. I had come to peace this past month as I grieve my Mom that there wasn't a lesson for me to be learned. That was hard to accept. I kept waiting for God to show me the message or the lesson He was trying to teach me through the death of my Mom. I think if He said, "Oh here Cami, see this is what I want to teach you through this," it would somehow make it easier for me to grieve. Instead a few weeks ago, I heard, "there is nothing for you here except to grieve, it was her time to go, it wasn't about you, it was about Me and her." So I just kind of blocked it out and focused on my feat of triathlon coming in the near future. I had something to accomplish. Except I didn't hydrate.
I woke up the day after my triathlon and felt puny. I had felt good all day Sunday and even mowed the lawn after the race. Yes,
I was super woman. Monday at 7:30 a.m. I was in the fetal position on the couch, calling Daniel and my neighbors, sweating, shaking, crying, praying I would pass out, and vomiting. Every move was excrutiating. My first thought was if this is just a muscle spasm from the race, then I am a huge wimp. But a few hours later, after urgent care, CT scan, 2 trips to the ER, percocet, 4 bags of fluid, and many prescriptions, I had been stoned. Kidney stoned---and percocet stoned. A tale of two stones. One lodged in my ureter above my bladder, one significant stone still lodged happily in my kidney waiting to slide down my ureter.
I spent last week in and out of la-la land. Many times my pain broke through the percocet, which, by the way is nasty stuff. I was blessed to have my husband who rearranged his life to help me, my Mother-in-law sit with me and hand me prescriptions, and angels of neighbors and friends who took my kids without a thought, brought food, and drove me to appointments and even surgery. My surgery was Thursday the 12th. Exactly 8 months to the day my Mom died. Yeah, that wasn't on my mind at all. I kept reminding myself that God was in control and this isn't about me. But it was. Because I didn't hydrate.
My stones are more than likely due to dehydration. I am a poor hydrater. I don't drink anything really except tea occasionally and water. I don't drink caffeine or sodas, but I don't drink enough of what I should---water. Through my training this summer in the high heat indexes, I haven't been hydrating properly. That is what we are assuming. I am healthy and do not really have any other factors that would contribute to kidney stones.
How crucial water is to our lives. We cannot live without it. It replenishes. It refreshes. It restores. It heals. Water is life.
So my lesson is learned. God gave me one this week. Maybe it was because I had so desired one. Maybe it was because He
was reminding me He was in control. Maybe it was because He doesn't want me to grieve without Him. Maybe it was because
I wasn't hydrating on the Living Water. Maybe it was the only way he could remind me that I need Him. I need to be replenished. I need to be refreshed. I need to be restored. I need to be healed. I need Life. He is the Water. He is the Life.
I have a new found respect for pain. I have a new understanding of suffering. I have a new found hope of healing.
May we always hydrate. When God doesn't have a lesson for us, let us always be there drinking Him in and waiting for what
He has yet to bring.
John 14:6
I trained.
I even prayed.
I freaked out.
I wanted to back out.
But I didn't.
I finished. Not too badly either.
But apparently I didn't hydrate..............
I always look at trials and even good things in my life and ask myself what does God want me to learn from this? Through stress, illness, moving, job changes, births, deaths, miscarriage, fear, anxiety, joy, happiness, complacency, and peace, I always expect a lesson from God. I had come to peace this past month as I grieve my Mom that there wasn't a lesson for me to be learned. That was hard to accept. I kept waiting for God to show me the message or the lesson He was trying to teach me through the death of my Mom. I think if He said, "Oh here Cami, see this is what I want to teach you through this," it would somehow make it easier for me to grieve. Instead a few weeks ago, I heard, "there is nothing for you here except to grieve, it was her time to go, it wasn't about you, it was about Me and her." So I just kind of blocked it out and focused on my feat of triathlon coming in the near future. I had something to accomplish. Except I didn't hydrate.
I woke up the day after my triathlon and felt puny. I had felt good all day Sunday and even mowed the lawn after the race. Yes,
I was super woman. Monday at 7:30 a.m. I was in the fetal position on the couch, calling Daniel and my neighbors, sweating, shaking, crying, praying I would pass out, and vomiting. Every move was excrutiating. My first thought was if this is just a muscle spasm from the race, then I am a huge wimp. But a few hours later, after urgent care, CT scan, 2 trips to the ER, percocet, 4 bags of fluid, and many prescriptions, I had been stoned. Kidney stoned---and percocet stoned. A tale of two stones. One lodged in my ureter above my bladder, one significant stone still lodged happily in my kidney waiting to slide down my ureter.
I spent last week in and out of la-la land. Many times my pain broke through the percocet, which, by the way is nasty stuff. I was blessed to have my husband who rearranged his life to help me, my Mother-in-law sit with me and hand me prescriptions, and angels of neighbors and friends who took my kids without a thought, brought food, and drove me to appointments and even surgery. My surgery was Thursday the 12th. Exactly 8 months to the day my Mom died. Yeah, that wasn't on my mind at all. I kept reminding myself that God was in control and this isn't about me. But it was. Because I didn't hydrate.
My stones are more than likely due to dehydration. I am a poor hydrater. I don't drink anything really except tea occasionally and water. I don't drink caffeine or sodas, but I don't drink enough of what I should---water. Through my training this summer in the high heat indexes, I haven't been hydrating properly. That is what we are assuming. I am healthy and do not really have any other factors that would contribute to kidney stones.
How crucial water is to our lives. We cannot live without it. It replenishes. It refreshes. It restores. It heals. Water is life.
So my lesson is learned. God gave me one this week. Maybe it was because I had so desired one. Maybe it was because He
was reminding me He was in control. Maybe it was because He doesn't want me to grieve without Him. Maybe it was because
I wasn't hydrating on the Living Water. Maybe it was the only way he could remind me that I need Him. I need to be replenished. I need to be refreshed. I need to be restored. I need to be healed. I need Life. He is the Water. He is the Life.
I have a new found respect for pain. I have a new understanding of suffering. I have a new found hope of healing.
May we always hydrate. When God doesn't have a lesson for us, let us always be there drinking Him in and waiting for what
He has yet to bring.
John 14:6
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Running
I started running about 6 years ago. It was and still is hard for me. When I started I could barely run to the end of the street. I remember how thrilled I was when I could run a whole mile. I had always exercised my whole life, but it consisted of speed walking and stair stepping. Running (or jogging in my case) has been a mental and physical feat that I still battle with. So you can imagine last fall I was ecstatic to be running 10 miles at a time. I was training to do the Thanksgiving Day half marathon. But running went on the back-burner when my Mom got worse and then died in December.
I didn't run for 4 months.
Every time I tried to run, I had to stop. It was really hard. I couldn't figure out why my body was so tired. Duh! I knew that mentally grief had overrun me. I was forgetting things, (still am) couldn't think of words, and then some things just didn't seem that important to me. I went from sleeping really good and being exhausted during the day to not sleeping well at all. Now I fluctuate between the two. I thought that I was doing good with the whole sadness issue only to find myself struggling with it more. It wasn't until last month at a routine check-up that my doctor asked me if I had experienced any stress lately when I was asking her about some issues I had, when I put two and two together. My body didn't want to run.
That made me mad.
Something I had worked so hard and and had set goals for I was struggling with. Big deal right? For me it is a stress reliever. It is something that challenges me. It is something I feel I can accomplish. It is something I can set goals for. I, I, I,----me, me, me. Here I am walking nearly every run.
A few weeks ago I was running on a Wednesday morning. I was determined to do my 6 miles and not stop no matter what. I ran up a long hill in our subdivision and then slowed down. I was still running but at a snail's pace. I always joke that people must see me and wonder how a person can run so slow. And then, even in my snail's pace, my legs were hurting so bad. I refused to walk. Then I felt like God was asking me why I run? What is wrong with having to walk sometimes? Is this a big deal? What is better for me? To grieve like I need to or to run like I want to? So I stopped my snail's pace and walked. Then the most beautiful fragrance hit me. We have a long row of magnolia trees planted towards the back of the neighborhood and the blooms were just starting to open up. It was so sweet I had to stand and just smell. The perfume was perfect. The blooms were beautiful. I knew that if I had still been running I wouldn't have smelled them or seen them.
The rest of my walk was perfect. I spent the time praying. I thanked God for my legs. I thanked Him that I could walk. I thanked Him that I could run. I thanked Him for the fragrance of the magnolias. I thanked Him for His creation. I thanked Him for grief. I thanked Him for speaking to me.
I have learned that grief is a terrible thing to waste. It is hard and it is getting harder. I feel like I am just now climbing up the grief hill. I am not afraid of the pinnacle though. I also so know I can't do it without God. I know too that He grieves with me. Sometimes I will be able to run and sometimes I'll just have to walk. Both are good. Either way it isn't about me.
Whether I walk or I run, my desire is that my life is a sweet, pleasing fragrance to God.
So I run because I enjoy it. I set goals because I can. I walk to slow my life. I grieve because He enables me. All of this He allows me to do for the time being. Because acting spoiled makes me miss the aroma of His Spirit--which is always there for me.
So if you see me running, good. If you see me walking, even better. If you see me running fast, it probably isn't me :) If you see me crying when I am running, I am just talented. Sooooo.....
May we smell the magnolia's before we are too tired. May we be the magnolia's to God through our gratefulness in Christ's sacrifice. Always sweet, always fragrant, always blooming......whether running or walking.
Love Cami
I didn't run for 4 months.
Every time I tried to run, I had to stop. It was really hard. I couldn't figure out why my body was so tired. Duh! I knew that mentally grief had overrun me. I was forgetting things, (still am) couldn't think of words, and then some things just didn't seem that important to me. I went from sleeping really good and being exhausted during the day to not sleeping well at all. Now I fluctuate between the two. I thought that I was doing good with the whole sadness issue only to find myself struggling with it more. It wasn't until last month at a routine check-up that my doctor asked me if I had experienced any stress lately when I was asking her about some issues I had, when I put two and two together. My body didn't want to run.
That made me mad.
Something I had worked so hard and and had set goals for I was struggling with. Big deal right? For me it is a stress reliever. It is something that challenges me. It is something I feel I can accomplish. It is something I can set goals for. I, I, I,----me, me, me. Here I am walking nearly every run.
A few weeks ago I was running on a Wednesday morning. I was determined to do my 6 miles and not stop no matter what. I ran up a long hill in our subdivision and then slowed down. I was still running but at a snail's pace. I always joke that people must see me and wonder how a person can run so slow. And then, even in my snail's pace, my legs were hurting so bad. I refused to walk. Then I felt like God was asking me why I run? What is wrong with having to walk sometimes? Is this a big deal? What is better for me? To grieve like I need to or to run like I want to? So I stopped my snail's pace and walked. Then the most beautiful fragrance hit me. We have a long row of magnolia trees planted towards the back of the neighborhood and the blooms were just starting to open up. It was so sweet I had to stand and just smell. The perfume was perfect. The blooms were beautiful. I knew that if I had still been running I wouldn't have smelled them or seen them.
The rest of my walk was perfect. I spent the time praying. I thanked God for my legs. I thanked Him that I could walk. I thanked Him that I could run. I thanked Him for the fragrance of the magnolias. I thanked Him for His creation. I thanked Him for grief. I thanked Him for speaking to me.
I have learned that grief is a terrible thing to waste. It is hard and it is getting harder. I feel like I am just now climbing up the grief hill. I am not afraid of the pinnacle though. I also so know I can't do it without God. I know too that He grieves with me. Sometimes I will be able to run and sometimes I'll just have to walk. Both are good. Either way it isn't about me.
Whether I walk or I run, my desire is that my life is a sweet, pleasing fragrance to God.
So I run because I enjoy it. I set goals because I can. I walk to slow my life. I grieve because He enables me. All of this He allows me to do for the time being. Because acting spoiled makes me miss the aroma of His Spirit--which is always there for me.
So if you see me running, good. If you see me walking, even better. If you see me running fast, it probably isn't me :) If you see me crying when I am running, I am just talented. Sooooo.....
May we smell the magnolia's before we are too tired. May we be the magnolia's to God through our gratefulness in Christ's sacrifice. Always sweet, always fragrant, always blooming......whether running or walking.
Love Cami
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dry
I use to hear people say that God spoke to them. When I was little I often wondered what that was like. How did they know it was God? When did it happen? When would God speak to me? How could I be sure it was Him? How did He "speak"?
What is amazing is I can look back over my relationship with Christ and pinpoint times when He spoke to me. Sometimes it was raging loud, sometimes more subtle, but I can definitely see them in my past and I desire so much more speaking in my future. I will give you an example. Last spring I was running one night and I was doing my 3 mile route which takes me down my parent's street. I think it was in June and my Mom had already been diagnosed with her blood disease. When I ran down their cul-de-sac, God impressed upon my heart that He was going to take my Mom. I started crying, but my prayer at that moment was that He was in control and I wanted what He wanted. He also showed me how to love her--she was difficult to love--but He made it so clear how He loved her and He gave me peace with some issues I had been dealing with for a long time. I didn't know that God was going to take her in the next 6 months, I was thinking within one to two years, but He prepared me in a way I didn't deserve.
But what I was really thinking about this morning were the times when God was silent. I was listening to a sermon by Matt Chandler and he was talking about the wells we dig. We dig for things that are not God. We come back up thirsty. We come back up empty. We have everything in life, physically. By the rest of the world's standards, we are rich. We are rich anyways. So why do we feel so dry?
There was a time in my life when I didn't hear God speak. I had a relationship with Him, but I didn't want to hear Him speak. I didn't read my Bible for almost a whole year. I was pretty legalistic about reading it too. I still went to church, but I didn't want to go. I still tithed, but my heart was grudging. I wasn't in any active sin. I wasn't in any disobedience. I still loved God. I had a wall up. I was dry. At the time I didn't know why. I do now but that is a whole other blog.
I'll never forget coming out of that dryness. God overwhelmed me one morning on my way to work (I was in college). He reminded me that He was Sovereign. That no matter where I was or how dry I was, He was there. The dryness I had was to teach me as well. No matter how many walls I had up, He was still using them in my relationship with Him. It was okay to be dry, because when I became thirsty, His quench was going to be so sweet.
I suppose that is why I desire sanctification so much. I can truly look back in my relationship with Him and see how He has worked and it makes me want Him to work more. There have been other "dry" spells but they have been short lived and fewer and far between. I want to hear His voice. I want Him to speak to me even though I do not deserve it. He has truly revealed to me how much He loves me in the past 6 years, or I guess I have just started to realize it.
I don't know why this was on my heart this morning. Somebody reading this is dry. It is okay. Pray that God will make you thirsty for Him. Pray that your dryness will be short lived. Pray that God will show you the wells you are digging. Pray that His "quench" will come soon.
God is sovereign over our dryness.
15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20
Love Cami
What is amazing is I can look back over my relationship with Christ and pinpoint times when He spoke to me. Sometimes it was raging loud, sometimes more subtle, but I can definitely see them in my past and I desire so much more speaking in my future. I will give you an example. Last spring I was running one night and I was doing my 3 mile route which takes me down my parent's street. I think it was in June and my Mom had already been diagnosed with her blood disease. When I ran down their cul-de-sac, God impressed upon my heart that He was going to take my Mom. I started crying, but my prayer at that moment was that He was in control and I wanted what He wanted. He also showed me how to love her--she was difficult to love--but He made it so clear how He loved her and He gave me peace with some issues I had been dealing with for a long time. I didn't know that God was going to take her in the next 6 months, I was thinking within one to two years, but He prepared me in a way I didn't deserve.
But what I was really thinking about this morning were the times when God was silent. I was listening to a sermon by Matt Chandler and he was talking about the wells we dig. We dig for things that are not God. We come back up thirsty. We come back up empty. We have everything in life, physically. By the rest of the world's standards, we are rich. We are rich anyways. So why do we feel so dry?
There was a time in my life when I didn't hear God speak. I had a relationship with Him, but I didn't want to hear Him speak. I didn't read my Bible for almost a whole year. I was pretty legalistic about reading it too. I still went to church, but I didn't want to go. I still tithed, but my heart was grudging. I wasn't in any active sin. I wasn't in any disobedience. I still loved God. I had a wall up. I was dry. At the time I didn't know why. I do now but that is a whole other blog.
I'll never forget coming out of that dryness. God overwhelmed me one morning on my way to work (I was in college). He reminded me that He was Sovereign. That no matter where I was or how dry I was, He was there. The dryness I had was to teach me as well. No matter how many walls I had up, He was still using them in my relationship with Him. It was okay to be dry, because when I became thirsty, His quench was going to be so sweet.
I suppose that is why I desire sanctification so much. I can truly look back in my relationship with Him and see how He has worked and it makes me want Him to work more. There have been other "dry" spells but they have been short lived and fewer and far between. I want to hear His voice. I want Him to speak to me even though I do not deserve it. He has truly revealed to me how much He loves me in the past 6 years, or I guess I have just started to realize it.
I don't know why this was on my heart this morning. Somebody reading this is dry. It is okay. Pray that God will make you thirsty for Him. Pray that your dryness will be short lived. Pray that God will show you the wells you are digging. Pray that His "quench" will come soon.
God is sovereign over our dryness.
15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20
Love Cami
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Pioneer
Really the only great recipe I have is an Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe. It isn't even my own. Someone gave it to me. I also haven't perfected it yet. My cookies seem to get harder as the days go on instead of remaining soft and gooey. I'm experimenting with it though.Because I want to have the best Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies, since it is one of the few things I actually make from scratch.
So the Pioneer Woman I am not. Have you seen her website? She is an amazing woman. She runs a cattle ranch, home-schools four kids,cooks homemade (from scratch) recipes for every meal, dabbles in photography, renovates her home, and keeps track of her massive sponsored website. I can't even get my dachshund puppy 100% housebroken!!
I tend to tip towards the Peggy Bundy end of the mother spectrum. Well, I'm not that bad, at least cosmetically.
I have had the privilege of praying for two women I met last weekend at Calvary Refuge Center. One was more Peggy Bundy, one was more Pioneer Woman. April was a washed out woman that was a mother of two. She was exasperated with her children and she exasperated them as well. Her kids were the age of mine. I sat with them during dinner and kept my questions basic because I feared April would chuck her food tray at me if I pressed too hard. Chronic pain she had, no job, not enough of her pain meds, and two precious children who were behind in school and society. I wanted to take them home. I wanted to make them mine. But I can't and I am not suppose to. So I have prayed that God would protect them, provide for them, and send someone to love all three of them. They are His to fix and grow and He has blessed me with the imprint they made on my life--just from the whole hour I spent with them.
The other woman was Danette. A continuous recovering alcoholic. Already had a job she was starting the next day. Grown, successful children. She couldn't wait to get back on her feet. She was working hard cleaning the kitchen. She told me about her faith. Her struggle with alcohol, her demon. The fact that she was a lousy drunk. She took full responsibility for her life. She was at the homeless shelter because she got herself into the mess she was in and she wasn't going to dump it on her family. She was accountable. She was headstrong. She is going to be successful again. She said she wasn't embarrassed to be drunk, so she certainly wasn't going to be embarrassed being sober and talking about Jesus. What attracted me to her was that she came up and loved on April's children when they were eating. She had only known them a few days but she loved on them, and they on her. Danette was honest and amazing. God is using her. I am blessed by the imprint she made on my life--just from the whole 20 minutes I spent with her.
I have been struggling with self-discipline lately. In many aspects of my life. Maybe I'm internally rebelling against my OCD nature :) Maybe in my desire for sanctification, I have tried to sanctify myself. Maybe God is showing me more and more and more and more where I have sin. It is probably a combination. However, I have been reading Romans, again, and chapter 8 is all about life through the Spirit. Paul talks about the sinful mind and how if we are controlled by our sinful nature we cannot please God. If we have Christ, our body is dead because of sin but alive because of righteousness. If we live in accordance with the Spirit, we will have our minds set on what the Spirit desires. Our life with the Spirit comes from Christ's death. We shouldn't be slaves to sin, but slaves to righteousness. I need to drop myself. I need to let God continue to discipline and refine me. I want to let the Spirit fill me. I want to be a slave to righteousness. I pray that my sinful nature will be less and less as He gives me the ability to live according to Him.
I am thankful that God has given me a spectrum of women to learn from. Whether it is a TV icon, a master of the home, a woman without a home, or a woman heading towards home, God has shown me that He wants to continue to progress us towards Him. That should be all I desire. That is all I desire. The work He has for me is becoming more like Him. It is making sure my husband and children have a desire to be more like Him. It is opening my home to allow others to be here and learn more about Him.
And......maybe the cookies and dachshund will fall into place as well.
May you be an "April" in life in terms of you needing God and may you be a "Danette" in life in terms of pursuing Him. Either way, may yourself be accountable and a slave to righteousness.
So the Pioneer Woman I am not. Have you seen her website? She is an amazing woman. She runs a cattle ranch, home-schools four kids,cooks homemade (from scratch) recipes for every meal, dabbles in photography, renovates her home, and keeps track of her massive sponsored website. I can't even get my dachshund puppy 100% housebroken!!
I tend to tip towards the Peggy Bundy end of the mother spectrum. Well, I'm not that bad, at least cosmetically.
I have had the privilege of praying for two women I met last weekend at Calvary Refuge Center. One was more Peggy Bundy, one was more Pioneer Woman. April was a washed out woman that was a mother of two. She was exasperated with her children and she exasperated them as well. Her kids were the age of mine. I sat with them during dinner and kept my questions basic because I feared April would chuck her food tray at me if I pressed too hard. Chronic pain she had, no job, not enough of her pain meds, and two precious children who were behind in school and society. I wanted to take them home. I wanted to make them mine. But I can't and I am not suppose to. So I have prayed that God would protect them, provide for them, and send someone to love all three of them. They are His to fix and grow and He has blessed me with the imprint they made on my life--just from the whole hour I spent with them.
The other woman was Danette. A continuous recovering alcoholic. Already had a job she was starting the next day. Grown, successful children. She couldn't wait to get back on her feet. She was working hard cleaning the kitchen. She told me about her faith. Her struggle with alcohol, her demon. The fact that she was a lousy drunk. She took full responsibility for her life. She was at the homeless shelter because she got herself into the mess she was in and she wasn't going to dump it on her family. She was accountable. She was headstrong. She is going to be successful again. She said she wasn't embarrassed to be drunk, so she certainly wasn't going to be embarrassed being sober and talking about Jesus. What attracted me to her was that she came up and loved on April's children when they were eating. She had only known them a few days but she loved on them, and they on her. Danette was honest and amazing. God is using her. I am blessed by the imprint she made on my life--just from the whole 20 minutes I spent with her.
I have been struggling with self-discipline lately. In many aspects of my life. Maybe I'm internally rebelling against my OCD nature :) Maybe in my desire for sanctification, I have tried to sanctify myself. Maybe God is showing me more and more and more and more where I have sin. It is probably a combination. However, I have been reading Romans, again, and chapter 8 is all about life through the Spirit. Paul talks about the sinful mind and how if we are controlled by our sinful nature we cannot please God. If we have Christ, our body is dead because of sin but alive because of righteousness. If we live in accordance with the Spirit, we will have our minds set on what the Spirit desires. Our life with the Spirit comes from Christ's death. We shouldn't be slaves to sin, but slaves to righteousness. I need to drop myself. I need to let God continue to discipline and refine me. I want to let the Spirit fill me. I want to be a slave to righteousness. I pray that my sinful nature will be less and less as He gives me the ability to live according to Him.
I am thankful that God has given me a spectrum of women to learn from. Whether it is a TV icon, a master of the home, a woman without a home, or a woman heading towards home, God has shown me that He wants to continue to progress us towards Him. That should be all I desire. That is all I desire. The work He has for me is becoming more like Him. It is making sure my husband and children have a desire to be more like Him. It is opening my home to allow others to be here and learn more about Him.
And......maybe the cookies and dachshund will fall into place as well.
May you be an "April" in life in terms of you needing God and may you be a "Danette" in life in terms of pursuing Him. Either way, may yourself be accountable and a slave to righteousness.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hard
This was written on April 12th--just realized I didn't post it--
I am so glad spring is here. I didn't realize how much I needed spring until it finally arrived. Fall is usually my favorite season, but last fall seems so far away and winter was so long. Spring--has arrived. With it, all things become new.
My Mom died four months ago today. It seems so far away yet it also seems so fresh. The past few months have been really hard for me. I am a terrible communicator of my feelings. I do not like to cry or talk about things that bother me. Most of the time I try to sort them out on my own, which is not always healthy. This is all new to me so I am taking it as it comes. I know all the steps of the grieving process but it is different when you are the one going through it. It has been hard.
Easter was different for me this year. In years past I have spent a lot of time reflecting either on the crucifixion or the resurrection of Christ. This year the time in between affected me the most. I guess it is because I have lost someone close to me so I really reflected on what each loved one of Christ felt. I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been to lose your Christ, your Savior, your Messiah, your Completer. I thought about Mary who lost her son. I thought about Peter who denied his Rabbi. I thought about Mary Magdalene who lost her Savior. I thought about the disciples who lost all hope. I wonder what the darkness of those few days felt like for them. They didn't have the resurrection to look forward to because they weren't looking for it. I cannot even imagine how hard it was for them. They didn't even know that they were waiting for something. They didn't realize that after the fall, their spring was going to arrive.
I am so glad that I do not have to wait for a resurrection.
I am so blessed that I won't lose my Savior.
I have hope.
That resurrection morning was glorious. Each time Christ appeared was like spring arriving. He made all things new, He makes all things new. A mother had her Son. Peter had reconciliation. Mary had her Savior. The disciples had their hope. A few days of darkness would never exist again.
I know there are a lot of hard things in our lives. I know of precious people to me that are going through hard things right now. Hard times last a long time. I am so glad that we have hope in Christ that He will reconcile us to Him during our hard times.
No matter what your "hard" time is, may you remember that you have
The Son,
The Christ,
The Savior,
The Messiah,
The Rabbi,
The Completer.
May you find your spring in Him even when the fall seems long and hard.
I am so glad spring is here. I didn't realize how much I needed spring until it finally arrived. Fall is usually my favorite season, but last fall seems so far away and winter was so long. Spring--has arrived. With it, all things become new.
My Mom died four months ago today. It seems so far away yet it also seems so fresh. The past few months have been really hard for me. I am a terrible communicator of my feelings. I do not like to cry or talk about things that bother me. Most of the time I try to sort them out on my own, which is not always healthy. This is all new to me so I am taking it as it comes. I know all the steps of the grieving process but it is different when you are the one going through it. It has been hard.
Easter was different for me this year. In years past I have spent a lot of time reflecting either on the crucifixion or the resurrection of Christ. This year the time in between affected me the most. I guess it is because I have lost someone close to me so I really reflected on what each loved one of Christ felt. I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been to lose your Christ, your Savior, your Messiah, your Completer. I thought about Mary who lost her son. I thought about Peter who denied his Rabbi. I thought about Mary Magdalene who lost her Savior. I thought about the disciples who lost all hope. I wonder what the darkness of those few days felt like for them. They didn't have the resurrection to look forward to because they weren't looking for it. I cannot even imagine how hard it was for them. They didn't even know that they were waiting for something. They didn't realize that after the fall, their spring was going to arrive.
I am so glad that I do not have to wait for a resurrection.
I am so blessed that I won't lose my Savior.
I have hope.
That resurrection morning was glorious. Each time Christ appeared was like spring arriving. He made all things new, He makes all things new. A mother had her Son. Peter had reconciliation. Mary had her Savior. The disciples had their hope. A few days of darkness would never exist again.
I know there are a lot of hard things in our lives. I know of precious people to me that are going through hard things right now. Hard times last a long time. I am so glad that we have hope in Christ that He will reconcile us to Him during our hard times.
No matter what your "hard" time is, may you remember that you have
The Son,
The Christ,
The Savior,
The Messiah,
The Rabbi,
The Completer.
May you find your spring in Him even when the fall seems long and hard.
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