My life is quiet right now. Even in the midst of jobs, housework, school, soccer practice, cleaning, shopping, bill paying; it is quiet. It is a mental quiet. A spiritual quiet. A sorrowful quiet. There are days when I don't want to read my Bible. There are days when I wish I could just sit and do nothing. There are days when I have so many things to pray about I can't keep them straight. There are days when I try to occupy myself with different things so that there is no time for me to think or be sad. I keep waiting for God to give me a revelation as to what He is doing in my life.
For now, it is all quiet.
I have never lost someone as close to me as my Mom. There is a quiet void where she once occupied so much of my life. I find myself thinking about so many different things. Things I wish I would have done different. Things I wish I could do now like talk to her on the phone, bring her a Starbucks, or a frozen coke from Burger King. The past few weeks have gotten increasingly harder for me. I know this is all part of grief. I am learning as I go. That is why I think God has told me to be quiet.
We talked about a lot in Bible Study last week. Ashlie taught out of 1 Corinthians 10:23- 11:1. This section in my Bible is titled "Do all to the glory of God." We talked about the law, what was permissible, the struggle of the Corinthians, why Paul was writing this letter, and the struggle of the unbelievers of that time. The focus of the Bible study, however, was that we are the extension of Christ. Everything we do should be not only for the glory of God but for the constructing of other's in their Christianity. Our job is to edify Christ by building up somebody else's spiritual life. As Ashlie put it, "We are the tool in other people's sanctification."
So much of what I do or do not do is selfishness. I constantly pray that God would peel off whatever He doesn't want of me. What I realized this past week is that even in my desire for my sanctification, I have become selfish. The things I do or do not do for other people revolves around me. God is really convicting me of that in the mourning of my Mom. Verse 33 says that we are "not suppose to seek our own advantage, but the advantage of many, that they may be saved." I laid in bed last night thinking "was I edifying to God in my relationship with my Mom? Did I help her in her sanctification?" I do not know the answer to that nor can I change anything now that it is all past. I do however want to be a tool in other people's sanctification. I don't want it to be all about me.
So God has presented me with a lot to ponder in my quietness. That is good, because I am learning as I go.
God has incredible ways He wants to use us in the lives of others. I pray that we will ask Him if we are edifying Him. I hope that we will reflect on our relationships with our spouses, children, pastors, friends, neighbors and wonder if we are building them up in their sanctification. I hope we will find the quiet even if it is in the midst of chaos, sorrow, and void. I hope we will be okay with that quiet. That is when we learn.
"Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." 1 Corinthians 10:24