Guilt

Sometimes our legs get knocked out from underneath us and we land on our butt. It takes a while to figure out how to get back on our feet. God may have us there for a time, or He may decide to help us stand back up right away. It hurts when we land, it hurts even more trying to stand. Either way, being on our butt, or on our feet, we cannot do it alone.

Having my kidney stones knocked me on my butt, both literally and figuratively. Getting blindsided by pain is no way to start a Monday. Then of course, the rest of that week went downhill from there. By that Friday, the 13th mind you, (I'm really not superstitious) I was left with a 10 inch plastic stint in my ureter, pain, another large stone still in my kidney, and an assortment of other by products of surgery that I will spare you the details on. That Friday the only thing I could really do was take a shower and then rest because I was exhausted.

As if I hadn't done enough butt sitting that week, the figurative set in---my guilt.

I know all the phases of grieving and I have seemed to experience them differently. I didn't think I would go through the guilt phase of grieving. But here I am. I am not really a crier but have been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. God really gave me a glimpse of how sick my Mom felt and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't understand. So the onslaught of "I wish I would have done this... or I wish I could say that..." began.

Guilt is a horrible thing because it is a response to something that can never be changed. It makes it hard to stand. It breeds into other areas of our life as well. It cripples us and makes us ineffective. It can even take us from sitting on our butt, to lying flat on our back.

So my guilt spilled over into my relationship with God. Since I was already feeling defeated in grief, let's attack what can enable me to stand. We all know that the main part of a relationship is spending time with somebody. How God desires time with us. We usually put our "time" with God into a small window of our day. We feel like we have to read our Bible, pray using some acrostic, maybe journal a few thoughts, and close it up to mark it off our "to do" list. Some days we get so hurried that we don't even spend time with God, but hey He is so forgiving so we will start over again tomorrow and make it right. Right?

I am so thankful that God ended that attack quickly. He told me the only way He wants me lying flat on my back is in worship and humility with Him, not in guilt. So He stood me up.

Why is my time with God locked into a timeframe everyday? Why do I feel like I have to set in place these motions each morning? Why does it end there? Why is it on my "to do" list? Is that worship? Is that a relationship?

God wants all our time. He wants all of us. He asked me why am I not praying without ceasing? Why do I say "amen" in the morning and leave it there? Why am I not picking up my Bible throughout the day reading scripture? Why do I not pray every time I think about something or someone? If I really want Him to continue to sanctify me, why am I limiting it to a set time each day. After all, we don't grow and change as humans only 20 to 30 minutes a day, we do it all day long. He wants us to get use to standing in worship or lying prostrate in worship of Him all day now. Because that is what we will be doing in eternity.

When God knocks you on your butt :) it is my prayer that you will spend all day, everyday getting to know Him and trying to stand. And if you can't stand, spend all day, everyday lying prostrate in humility and worship. That your quiet time would change to your quiet day. That reading our Bibles and praying would be so ingrained in our life that we would never view it as a separate time of our day. It is who we are. It is what we do. It is life.

He already knows us.......let's not limit our knowing Him.....because He is limitless.