I sat next to my Dad last night on our couch in my living room. It was his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. Everybody was visiting with each other and I thought it I would steal a few moments with him.
We talked about how he was feeling, how tired we were, and what all had to be done to still get ready for the wedding today. The conversation was "bittersweet" as I thought how precious my few moments with him were.
Just over a year ago I sat on a couch with him in a family room in a hospice facility. My Mom had literally just died and we were waiting for the funeral home to arrive. Our conversation was quiet as we talked about everything we had to do to get ready for a funeral.
I have had a lot of feelings lately that have been difficult. I have been so excited for my Dad to get married as the woman he married is a wonderful Godly woman who loves my Dad tenderly. My prayer over the past few months has been that their relationship would honor God above everything else. I can honestly say that it does.
The difficult part lies in the grief that I still feel. Grief is amazing at times because it is necessary, natural, numbing, and sometimes dreadful. There is however, grace in grieving. Grace shows grief as necessary. Grace enables grief to occur naturally. Grace brings you through the numbness. Grace allows you to live through the dreadful.
The best part of this past year is the appreciation God has given me for His grace toward us. I have experienced His love in a fresh new way. He has allowed me to literally feel the prayers of others. He has shown me I need to love others better. He continues to reveal my insufficiency, self-righteousness, and laziness. He always gives me the answer which is Him.
So the wedding was incredibly beautiful. Two families have met to join. The family time has been precious. It has been the fastest year of my life. I think we are all going to sleep well tonight. We have another year in front of us to go through the things of life that are bitter and those that are sweet. No matter what, God will give us the grace. God is necessary. God is life. To God be the glory.
May you savor the precious moments God allows and experience His grace when those moments are bitter and when those moments are sweet.
Happy New Year.
Love because of Christ
Cami
www.bucket-of-rust.blogspot.com
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
deny
I was cleaning the toilet a couple of weeks ago and was praying while I was cleaning. Sounds strange I know, but I had someone on my mind and I was praying for them. In their particular struggle I was thinking about why it was so difficult for them to deal with their situation. I prayed and asked God that He would help them to deny them-self.
Clear as day, in the middle of my sentence, before I could even finish it, "Cami do you deny yourself?" No I don't. Isn't that the problem with sin? It is all about us. We do not deny ourselves everyday. Instead our sin denies God everyday. I deny God everyday.
I have talked many times of my "running" or attempts at running. I actually enjoy it even though it is hard and causes pain. Sometimes I want to quit in the middle of the run. Yet I keep on running over and over again. I know that my run will end soon. I know that my running has benefits and does bring joy.
Paul talks repeatedly in the Bible about "running the race." He perseveres through many trials we cannot even imagine, yet he does not boast about his faith. He is always Christ focused and Christ centered in the things he says even though he struggles with his flesh. Paul didn't have self-help books, Paul didn't even have the Bible to direct him in living a Christ centered life. All he had was Christ's life.
So much of our "faith" is based on ourselves. As I was thinking "how do I deny myself," and not commit sin, I came to realize it wasn't about me at all. I can't "deny" myself on my own. There isn't a magic formula to not sin, just like there isn't a magic formula to run. It is just continual focusing on Christ. He is the goal. Living for Him and following the teachings of Christ is what I am suppose to do. In that, if I am following Christ, I am denying myself. Just as my sin denies God everyday, I can deny my sin by looking to Christ and not myself. My faith isn't about me. It is about Christ. He is central. He made me acceptable to God.
One of the scriptures I have been reading over and over lately is Colossians 2:15-23. It is about the preeminence of Christ. Every time I read it tells me who Christ is and what I believe. If my faith is about anything else besides Christ, it isn't faith. That
is the race I am trying to run.
I actually enjoy it even though it is hard and causes pain. Sometimes I want to quit. Yet I keep running over and over again. I know that my run will end soon. I know that my running has benefits and does bring joy.
But my run is for God's glory. My run is for worship of Christ.
And that is something I never want to deny.
I pray that your running will bring joy to God the Father and Jesus Christ His Son.
Clear as day, in the middle of my sentence, before I could even finish it, "Cami do you deny yourself?" No I don't. Isn't that the problem with sin? It is all about us. We do not deny ourselves everyday. Instead our sin denies God everyday. I deny God everyday.
I have talked many times of my "running" or attempts at running. I actually enjoy it even though it is hard and causes pain. Sometimes I want to quit in the middle of the run. Yet I keep on running over and over again. I know that my run will end soon. I know that my running has benefits and does bring joy.
Paul talks repeatedly in the Bible about "running the race." He perseveres through many trials we cannot even imagine, yet he does not boast about his faith. He is always Christ focused and Christ centered in the things he says even though he struggles with his flesh. Paul didn't have self-help books, Paul didn't even have the Bible to direct him in living a Christ centered life. All he had was Christ's life.
So much of our "faith" is based on ourselves. As I was thinking "how do I deny myself," and not commit sin, I came to realize it wasn't about me at all. I can't "deny" myself on my own. There isn't a magic formula to not sin, just like there isn't a magic formula to run. It is just continual focusing on Christ. He is the goal. Living for Him and following the teachings of Christ is what I am suppose to do. In that, if I am following Christ, I am denying myself. Just as my sin denies God everyday, I can deny my sin by looking to Christ and not myself. My faith isn't about me. It is about Christ. He is central. He made me acceptable to God.
One of the scriptures I have been reading over and over lately is Colossians 2:15-23. It is about the preeminence of Christ. Every time I read it tells me who Christ is and what I believe. If my faith is about anything else besides Christ, it isn't faith. That
is the race I am trying to run.
I actually enjoy it even though it is hard and causes pain. Sometimes I want to quit. Yet I keep running over and over again. I know that my run will end soon. I know that my running has benefits and does bring joy.
But my run is for God's glory. My run is for worship of Christ.
And that is something I never want to deny.
I pray that your running will bring joy to God the Father and Jesus Christ His Son.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Treason
Treason is the serious act/acts of betrayal against one's sovereign.
Do you commit treason?
So I have a piece of kidney stone that I am still waiting to pass. It has been stuck in my ureter for almost a month now. Fortunately it is not excruciating like the first one, just more of a nuisance from time to time. The crazy thing is it is only like an inch from my bladder so with the amount of fluids I take in everyday, it should have been flushed out by now. Apparently it's comfortable.
I wrote a couple of weeks ago about making war on sin. I have been trying to make war on my sins. Areas of my life that I desperately need to turn over to God and allow Him to sanctify. One of my areas is self discipline. The problem with my self discipline is obviously my "self". Self always gets in the way. Self spills into other areas of my relationship with
God. Self spills over into my relationships with my husband and children. Self spills over onto myself and then I become "self"ish.
Ashlie taught Bible study two weeks ago and talked about sin. I have been also listening to a couple of sermons where the focus has been sin. So I am listening because we all have a problem with sin. Becoming who God created us to be is difficult and even discouraging sometimes because we know we won't be complete until the very end. So we have to wait. What are we doing while we are waiting? Are we comfortable?
Adam and Eve made a trade. I guess we could say they committed treason. They betrayed God in the garden. They betrayed their Sovereign. In the majority of countries in this world treason is punished by death. So is ours. Fortunately for Adam and Eve, God also extended His mercy and grace to them that same day as well. As He does with us.
Do we really take our sin seriously? It is something that has been there or is there that we are comfortable with? Is it something that is just a "little" nuisance? Is it something that should be flushed out?
My stone has been a daily reminder to me of sin. It is something that was never meant to be in my body. But it is also a glorious reminder of God's creation. How awesome our bodies are. How they are intricately and mysteriously made. How even my body knows when there is a foreign substance in it, it makes war on it to get rid of it. How God's design is perfect, even in a fallen world. How He is Sovereign.
I don't want to commit serious acts of betrayal against my Sovereign. Not that any of us do. But I know I am taking the "self" out and asking for God to help discipline me. Because my sin is more than just a nuisance and I should be more than uncomfortable with it. Sin is so excruciating to God that someone has to pay for our treason.
Complete in the end. Mercy and grace. Perfect design. Jesus Christ.
Read 1 Peter 1:5-11.
Do you commit treason?
So I have a piece of kidney stone that I am still waiting to pass. It has been stuck in my ureter for almost a month now. Fortunately it is not excruciating like the first one, just more of a nuisance from time to time. The crazy thing is it is only like an inch from my bladder so with the amount of fluids I take in everyday, it should have been flushed out by now. Apparently it's comfortable.
I wrote a couple of weeks ago about making war on sin. I have been trying to make war on my sins. Areas of my life that I desperately need to turn over to God and allow Him to sanctify. One of my areas is self discipline. The problem with my self discipline is obviously my "self". Self always gets in the way. Self spills into other areas of my relationship with
God. Self spills over into my relationships with my husband and children. Self spills over onto myself and then I become "self"ish.
Ashlie taught Bible study two weeks ago and talked about sin. I have been also listening to a couple of sermons where the focus has been sin. So I am listening because we all have a problem with sin. Becoming who God created us to be is difficult and even discouraging sometimes because we know we won't be complete until the very end. So we have to wait. What are we doing while we are waiting? Are we comfortable?
Adam and Eve made a trade. I guess we could say they committed treason. They betrayed God in the garden. They betrayed their Sovereign. In the majority of countries in this world treason is punished by death. So is ours. Fortunately for Adam and Eve, God also extended His mercy and grace to them that same day as well. As He does with us.
Do we really take our sin seriously? It is something that has been there or is there that we are comfortable with? Is it something that is just a "little" nuisance? Is it something that should be flushed out?
My stone has been a daily reminder to me of sin. It is something that was never meant to be in my body. But it is also a glorious reminder of God's creation. How awesome our bodies are. How they are intricately and mysteriously made. How even my body knows when there is a foreign substance in it, it makes war on it to get rid of it. How God's design is perfect, even in a fallen world. How He is Sovereign.
I don't want to commit serious acts of betrayal against my Sovereign. Not that any of us do. But I know I am taking the "self" out and asking for God to help discipline me. Because my sin is more than just a nuisance and I should be more than uncomfortable with it. Sin is so excruciating to God that someone has to pay for our treason.
Complete in the end. Mercy and grace. Perfect design. Jesus Christ.
Read 1 Peter 1:5-11.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Flawed
I go every week and eat lunch with Nia and JJ at school. It's loud, messy, and germ-y, but I love visiting with Nia and JJ and looking at all of the other little toothless smiles at their tables. Fortunately Nia and JJ still like me to hug and kiss on them even in public in front of their friends. I also manage to get a few wipes of their mouths every now and then, with my spit and finger of course.
Last week half way through lunch, JJ looked at me and said, "thank you for coming to eat lunch with me Momma." I felt like Mrs. America. I go and eat lunch with them just because I love them. The fact that he was grateful, for an instant, for the time we had together was precious. He was thankful because he loves me back. What a perfect, brief picture of how our relationship with God is suppose to be.
We started Bible Study last week (we meet again today if you want to come) and Ashlie, our leader, started at the beginning, literally. She talked about creation and how God spent all the days before man creating the world just for man. God created everything for our contentment. We were created to be content. We were created to only need Him. Adam and Eve had absolutely everything. Work was joyful. The garden was perfect. They had the very presence of God with them. He walked with them. He conversed with them. They had no needs. They had no wants. Or they should have had no wants.
Then they went outside of God's design.
I wrote a quote of Ashlie's down from last week that has stuck with me. She said, "anythingoutside of God's design is flawed, it is just stuff we lust after." Eve lusted after the knowledge of good and evil. Adam sat back, watched, and then lusted as well. I cannot imagine being in the very presence of the Holy God everyday and wanting something else.
But I am in His presence.
I still want something else.
I am flawed.
So as a person who has surrendered my life to Christ, I have to live each day in God's design. I have to seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. (Col 3:1) I have to set my mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. (Col 3:2). I have to learn to be content and not lust for things outside of God's design. I have to learn how to overcome my flaws while living in a flawed world.
Thank God He gave me Christ.
I was listening to a sermon today by Matt Chandler. He was talking about how so many "Christians" are content living their flawed lives in a flawed world. He asked "why don't we make war on our sin?" Why do we not take it seriously? Why do we give into the lusts of this world? It is all so short.
So I am challenged. I am challenged in my flaws, in my sin, to live for Christ. I have everything I could ever need to be content in my relationship with God. I have the Holy Spirit's presence. I have God's Word. I have the power of prayer through God. I have the fellowship of other people who live for Christ. I have the ability to make war on sin. I have hope.
I go and eat lunch with my kids because I love them.....
JJ was thankful because he loves me back......
And in that, there is no flaw.
May you find contentment in God, live inside His design, and make war on sin.
"Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built
up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in
thanksgiving." Colossians 2:6-7
Last week half way through lunch, JJ looked at me and said, "thank you for coming to eat lunch with me Momma." I felt like Mrs. America. I go and eat lunch with them just because I love them. The fact that he was grateful, for an instant, for the time we had together was precious. He was thankful because he loves me back. What a perfect, brief picture of how our relationship with God is suppose to be.
We started Bible Study last week (we meet again today if you want to come) and Ashlie, our leader, started at the beginning, literally. She talked about creation and how God spent all the days before man creating the world just for man. God created everything for our contentment. We were created to be content. We were created to only need Him. Adam and Eve had absolutely everything. Work was joyful. The garden was perfect. They had the very presence of God with them. He walked with them. He conversed with them. They had no needs. They had no wants. Or they should have had no wants.
Then they went outside of God's design.
I wrote a quote of Ashlie's down from last week that has stuck with me. She said, "anythingoutside of God's design is flawed, it is just stuff we lust after." Eve lusted after the knowledge of good and evil. Adam sat back, watched, and then lusted as well. I cannot imagine being in the very presence of the Holy God everyday and wanting something else.
But I am in His presence.
I still want something else.
I am flawed.
So as a person who has surrendered my life to Christ, I have to live each day in God's design. I have to seek the things that are above where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. (Col 3:1) I have to set my mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. (Col 3:2). I have to learn to be content and not lust for things outside of God's design. I have to learn how to overcome my flaws while living in a flawed world.
Thank God He gave me Christ.
I was listening to a sermon today by Matt Chandler. He was talking about how so many "Christians" are content living their flawed lives in a flawed world. He asked "why don't we make war on our sin?" Why do we not take it seriously? Why do we give into the lusts of this world? It is all so short.
So I am challenged. I am challenged in my flaws, in my sin, to live for Christ. I have everything I could ever need to be content in my relationship with God. I have the Holy Spirit's presence. I have God's Word. I have the power of prayer through God. I have the fellowship of other people who live for Christ. I have the ability to make war on sin. I have hope.
I go and eat lunch with my kids because I love them.....
JJ was thankful because he loves me back......
And in that, there is no flaw.
May you find contentment in God, live inside His design, and make war on sin.
"Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built
up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in
thanksgiving." Colossians 2:6-7
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Guilt
Sometimes our legs get knocked out from underneath us and we land on our butt. It takes a while to figure out how to get back on our feet. God may have us there for a time, or He may decide to help us stand back up right away. It hurts when we land, it hurts even more trying to stand. Either way, being on our butt, or on our feet, we cannot do it alone.
Having my kidney stones knocked me on my butt, both literally and figuratively. Getting blindsided by pain is no way to start a Monday. Then of course, the rest of that week went downhill from there. By that Friday, the 13th mind you, (I'm really not superstitious) I was left with a 10 inch plastic stint in my ureter, pain, another large stone still in my kidney, and an assortment of other by products of surgery that I will spare you the details on. That Friday the only thing I could really do was take a shower and then rest because I was exhausted.
As if I hadn't done enough butt sitting that week, the figurative set in---my guilt.
I know all the phases of grieving and I have seemed to experience them differently. I didn't think I would go through the guilt phase of grieving. But here I am. I am not really a crier but have been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. God really gave me a glimpse of how sick my Mom felt and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't understand. So the onslaught of "I wish I would have done this... or I wish I could say that..." began.
Guilt is a horrible thing because it is a response to something that can never be changed. It makes it hard to stand. It breeds into other areas of our life as well. It cripples us and makes us ineffective. It can even take us from sitting on our butt, to lying flat on our back.
So my guilt spilled over into my relationship with God. Since I was already feeling defeated in grief, let's attack what can enable me to stand. We all know that the main part of a relationship is spending time with somebody. How God desires time with us. We usually put our "time" with God into a small window of our day. We feel like we have to read our Bible, pray using some acrostic, maybe journal a few thoughts, and close it up to mark it off our "to do" list. Some days we get so hurried that we don't even spend time with God, but hey He is so forgiving so we will start over again tomorrow and make it right. Right?
I am so thankful that God ended that attack quickly. He told me the only way He wants me lying flat on my back is in worship and humility with Him, not in guilt. So He stood me up.
Why is my time with God locked into a timeframe everyday? Why do I feel like I have to set in place these motions each morning? Why does it end there? Why is it on my "to do" list? Is that worship? Is that a relationship?
God wants all our time. He wants all of us. He asked me why am I not praying without ceasing? Why do I say "amen" in the morning and leave it there? Why am I not picking up my Bible throughout the day reading scripture? Why do I not pray every time I think about something or someone? If I really want Him to continue to sanctify me, why am I limiting it to a set time each day. After all, we don't grow and change as humans only 20 to 30 minutes a day, we do it all day long. He wants us to get use to standing in worship or lying prostrate in worship of Him all day now. Because that is what we will be doing in eternity.
When God knocks you on your butt :) it is my prayer that you will spend all day, everyday getting to know Him and trying to stand. And if you can't stand, spend all day, everyday lying prostrate in humility and worship. That your quiet time would change to your quiet day. That reading our Bibles and praying would be so ingrained in our life that we would never view it as a separate time of our day. It is who we are. It is what we do. It is life.
He already knows us.......let's not limit our knowing Him.....because He is limitless.
Having my kidney stones knocked me on my butt, both literally and figuratively. Getting blindsided by pain is no way to start a Monday. Then of course, the rest of that week went downhill from there. By that Friday, the 13th mind you, (I'm really not superstitious) I was left with a 10 inch plastic stint in my ureter, pain, another large stone still in my kidney, and an assortment of other by products of surgery that I will spare you the details on. That Friday the only thing I could really do was take a shower and then rest because I was exhausted.
As if I hadn't done enough butt sitting that week, the figurative set in---my guilt.
I know all the phases of grieving and I have seemed to experience them differently. I didn't think I would go through the guilt phase of grieving. But here I am. I am not really a crier but have been crying almost everyday for the past few weeks. God really gave me a glimpse of how sick my Mom felt and opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't understand. So the onslaught of "I wish I would have done this... or I wish I could say that..." began.
Guilt is a horrible thing because it is a response to something that can never be changed. It makes it hard to stand. It breeds into other areas of our life as well. It cripples us and makes us ineffective. It can even take us from sitting on our butt, to lying flat on our back.
So my guilt spilled over into my relationship with God. Since I was already feeling defeated in grief, let's attack what can enable me to stand. We all know that the main part of a relationship is spending time with somebody. How God desires time with us. We usually put our "time" with God into a small window of our day. We feel like we have to read our Bible, pray using some acrostic, maybe journal a few thoughts, and close it up to mark it off our "to do" list. Some days we get so hurried that we don't even spend time with God, but hey He is so forgiving so we will start over again tomorrow and make it right. Right?
I am so thankful that God ended that attack quickly. He told me the only way He wants me lying flat on my back is in worship and humility with Him, not in guilt. So He stood me up.
Why is my time with God locked into a timeframe everyday? Why do I feel like I have to set in place these motions each morning? Why does it end there? Why is it on my "to do" list? Is that worship? Is that a relationship?
God wants all our time. He wants all of us. He asked me why am I not praying without ceasing? Why do I say "amen" in the morning and leave it there? Why am I not picking up my Bible throughout the day reading scripture? Why do I not pray every time I think about something or someone? If I really want Him to continue to sanctify me, why am I limiting it to a set time each day. After all, we don't grow and change as humans only 20 to 30 minutes a day, we do it all day long. He wants us to get use to standing in worship or lying prostrate in worship of Him all day now. Because that is what we will be doing in eternity.
When God knocks you on your butt :) it is my prayer that you will spend all day, everyday getting to know Him and trying to stand. And if you can't stand, spend all day, everyday lying prostrate in humility and worship. That your quiet time would change to your quiet day. That reading our Bibles and praying would be so ingrained in our life that we would never view it as a separate time of our day. It is who we are. It is what we do. It is life.
He already knows us.......let's not limit our knowing Him.....because He is limitless.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Stoned
A week ago today I accomplished a huge challenge. I did my first sprint triathlon. Yes, I'll pat myself on the back.
I trained.
I even prayed.
I freaked out.
I wanted to back out.
But I didn't.
I finished. Not too badly either.
But apparently I didn't hydrate..............
I always look at trials and even good things in my life and ask myself what does God want me to learn from this? Through stress, illness, moving, job changes, births, deaths, miscarriage, fear, anxiety, joy, happiness, complacency, and peace, I always expect a lesson from God. I had come to peace this past month as I grieve my Mom that there wasn't a lesson for me to be learned. That was hard to accept. I kept waiting for God to show me the message or the lesson He was trying to teach me through the death of my Mom. I think if He said, "Oh here Cami, see this is what I want to teach you through this," it would somehow make it easier for me to grieve. Instead a few weeks ago, I heard, "there is nothing for you here except to grieve, it was her time to go, it wasn't about you, it was about Me and her." So I just kind of blocked it out and focused on my feat of triathlon coming in the near future. I had something to accomplish. Except I didn't hydrate.
I woke up the day after my triathlon and felt puny. I had felt good all day Sunday and even mowed the lawn after the race. Yes,
I was super woman. Monday at 7:30 a.m. I was in the fetal position on the couch, calling Daniel and my neighbors, sweating, shaking, crying, praying I would pass out, and vomiting. Every move was excrutiating. My first thought was if this is just a muscle spasm from the race, then I am a huge wimp. But a few hours later, after urgent care, CT scan, 2 trips to the ER, percocet, 4 bags of fluid, and many prescriptions, I had been stoned. Kidney stoned---and percocet stoned. A tale of two stones. One lodged in my ureter above my bladder, one significant stone still lodged happily in my kidney waiting to slide down my ureter.
I spent last week in and out of la-la land. Many times my pain broke through the percocet, which, by the way is nasty stuff. I was blessed to have my husband who rearranged his life to help me, my Mother-in-law sit with me and hand me prescriptions, and angels of neighbors and friends who took my kids without a thought, brought food, and drove me to appointments and even surgery. My surgery was Thursday the 12th. Exactly 8 months to the day my Mom died. Yeah, that wasn't on my mind at all. I kept reminding myself that God was in control and this isn't about me. But it was. Because I didn't hydrate.
My stones are more than likely due to dehydration. I am a poor hydrater. I don't drink anything really except tea occasionally and water. I don't drink caffeine or sodas, but I don't drink enough of what I should---water. Through my training this summer in the high heat indexes, I haven't been hydrating properly. That is what we are assuming. I am healthy and do not really have any other factors that would contribute to kidney stones.
How crucial water is to our lives. We cannot live without it. It replenishes. It refreshes. It restores. It heals. Water is life.
So my lesson is learned. God gave me one this week. Maybe it was because I had so desired one. Maybe it was because He
was reminding me He was in control. Maybe it was because He doesn't want me to grieve without Him. Maybe it was because
I wasn't hydrating on the Living Water. Maybe it was the only way he could remind me that I need Him. I need to be replenished. I need to be refreshed. I need to be restored. I need to be healed. I need Life. He is the Water. He is the Life.
I have a new found respect for pain. I have a new understanding of suffering. I have a new found hope of healing.
May we always hydrate. When God doesn't have a lesson for us, let us always be there drinking Him in and waiting for what
He has yet to bring.
John 14:6
I trained.
I even prayed.
I freaked out.
I wanted to back out.
But I didn't.
I finished. Not too badly either.
But apparently I didn't hydrate..............
I always look at trials and even good things in my life and ask myself what does God want me to learn from this? Through stress, illness, moving, job changes, births, deaths, miscarriage, fear, anxiety, joy, happiness, complacency, and peace, I always expect a lesson from God. I had come to peace this past month as I grieve my Mom that there wasn't a lesson for me to be learned. That was hard to accept. I kept waiting for God to show me the message or the lesson He was trying to teach me through the death of my Mom. I think if He said, "Oh here Cami, see this is what I want to teach you through this," it would somehow make it easier for me to grieve. Instead a few weeks ago, I heard, "there is nothing for you here except to grieve, it was her time to go, it wasn't about you, it was about Me and her." So I just kind of blocked it out and focused on my feat of triathlon coming in the near future. I had something to accomplish. Except I didn't hydrate.
I woke up the day after my triathlon and felt puny. I had felt good all day Sunday and even mowed the lawn after the race. Yes,
I was super woman. Monday at 7:30 a.m. I was in the fetal position on the couch, calling Daniel and my neighbors, sweating, shaking, crying, praying I would pass out, and vomiting. Every move was excrutiating. My first thought was if this is just a muscle spasm from the race, then I am a huge wimp. But a few hours later, after urgent care, CT scan, 2 trips to the ER, percocet, 4 bags of fluid, and many prescriptions, I had been stoned. Kidney stoned---and percocet stoned. A tale of two stones. One lodged in my ureter above my bladder, one significant stone still lodged happily in my kidney waiting to slide down my ureter.
I spent last week in and out of la-la land. Many times my pain broke through the percocet, which, by the way is nasty stuff. I was blessed to have my husband who rearranged his life to help me, my Mother-in-law sit with me and hand me prescriptions, and angels of neighbors and friends who took my kids without a thought, brought food, and drove me to appointments and even surgery. My surgery was Thursday the 12th. Exactly 8 months to the day my Mom died. Yeah, that wasn't on my mind at all. I kept reminding myself that God was in control and this isn't about me. But it was. Because I didn't hydrate.
My stones are more than likely due to dehydration. I am a poor hydrater. I don't drink anything really except tea occasionally and water. I don't drink caffeine or sodas, but I don't drink enough of what I should---water. Through my training this summer in the high heat indexes, I haven't been hydrating properly. That is what we are assuming. I am healthy and do not really have any other factors that would contribute to kidney stones.
How crucial water is to our lives. We cannot live without it. It replenishes. It refreshes. It restores. It heals. Water is life.
So my lesson is learned. God gave me one this week. Maybe it was because I had so desired one. Maybe it was because He
was reminding me He was in control. Maybe it was because He doesn't want me to grieve without Him. Maybe it was because
I wasn't hydrating on the Living Water. Maybe it was the only way he could remind me that I need Him. I need to be replenished. I need to be refreshed. I need to be restored. I need to be healed. I need Life. He is the Water. He is the Life.
I have a new found respect for pain. I have a new understanding of suffering. I have a new found hope of healing.
May we always hydrate. When God doesn't have a lesson for us, let us always be there drinking Him in and waiting for what
He has yet to bring.
John 14:6
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Running
I started running about 6 years ago. It was and still is hard for me. When I started I could barely run to the end of the street. I remember how thrilled I was when I could run a whole mile. I had always exercised my whole life, but it consisted of speed walking and stair stepping. Running (or jogging in my case) has been a mental and physical feat that I still battle with. So you can imagine last fall I was ecstatic to be running 10 miles at a time. I was training to do the Thanksgiving Day half marathon. But running went on the back-burner when my Mom got worse and then died in December.
I didn't run for 4 months.
Every time I tried to run, I had to stop. It was really hard. I couldn't figure out why my body was so tired. Duh! I knew that mentally grief had overrun me. I was forgetting things, (still am) couldn't think of words, and then some things just didn't seem that important to me. I went from sleeping really good and being exhausted during the day to not sleeping well at all. Now I fluctuate between the two. I thought that I was doing good with the whole sadness issue only to find myself struggling with it more. It wasn't until last month at a routine check-up that my doctor asked me if I had experienced any stress lately when I was asking her about some issues I had, when I put two and two together. My body didn't want to run.
That made me mad.
Something I had worked so hard and and had set goals for I was struggling with. Big deal right? For me it is a stress reliever. It is something that challenges me. It is something I feel I can accomplish. It is something I can set goals for. I, I, I,----me, me, me. Here I am walking nearly every run.
A few weeks ago I was running on a Wednesday morning. I was determined to do my 6 miles and not stop no matter what. I ran up a long hill in our subdivision and then slowed down. I was still running but at a snail's pace. I always joke that people must see me and wonder how a person can run so slow. And then, even in my snail's pace, my legs were hurting so bad. I refused to walk. Then I felt like God was asking me why I run? What is wrong with having to walk sometimes? Is this a big deal? What is better for me? To grieve like I need to or to run like I want to? So I stopped my snail's pace and walked. Then the most beautiful fragrance hit me. We have a long row of magnolia trees planted towards the back of the neighborhood and the blooms were just starting to open up. It was so sweet I had to stand and just smell. The perfume was perfect. The blooms were beautiful. I knew that if I had still been running I wouldn't have smelled them or seen them.
The rest of my walk was perfect. I spent the time praying. I thanked God for my legs. I thanked Him that I could walk. I thanked Him that I could run. I thanked Him for the fragrance of the magnolias. I thanked Him for His creation. I thanked Him for grief. I thanked Him for speaking to me.
I have learned that grief is a terrible thing to waste. It is hard and it is getting harder. I feel like I am just now climbing up the grief hill. I am not afraid of the pinnacle though. I also so know I can't do it without God. I know too that He grieves with me. Sometimes I will be able to run and sometimes I'll just have to walk. Both are good. Either way it isn't about me.
Whether I walk or I run, my desire is that my life is a sweet, pleasing fragrance to God.
So I run because I enjoy it. I set goals because I can. I walk to slow my life. I grieve because He enables me. All of this He allows me to do for the time being. Because acting spoiled makes me miss the aroma of His Spirit--which is always there for me.
So if you see me running, good. If you see me walking, even better. If you see me running fast, it probably isn't me :) If you see me crying when I am running, I am just talented. Sooooo.....
May we smell the magnolia's before we are too tired. May we be the magnolia's to God through our gratefulness in Christ's sacrifice. Always sweet, always fragrant, always blooming......whether running or walking.
Love Cami
I didn't run for 4 months.
Every time I tried to run, I had to stop. It was really hard. I couldn't figure out why my body was so tired. Duh! I knew that mentally grief had overrun me. I was forgetting things, (still am) couldn't think of words, and then some things just didn't seem that important to me. I went from sleeping really good and being exhausted during the day to not sleeping well at all. Now I fluctuate between the two. I thought that I was doing good with the whole sadness issue only to find myself struggling with it more. It wasn't until last month at a routine check-up that my doctor asked me if I had experienced any stress lately when I was asking her about some issues I had, when I put two and two together. My body didn't want to run.
That made me mad.
Something I had worked so hard and and had set goals for I was struggling with. Big deal right? For me it is a stress reliever. It is something that challenges me. It is something I feel I can accomplish. It is something I can set goals for. I, I, I,----me, me, me. Here I am walking nearly every run.
A few weeks ago I was running on a Wednesday morning. I was determined to do my 6 miles and not stop no matter what. I ran up a long hill in our subdivision and then slowed down. I was still running but at a snail's pace. I always joke that people must see me and wonder how a person can run so slow. And then, even in my snail's pace, my legs were hurting so bad. I refused to walk. Then I felt like God was asking me why I run? What is wrong with having to walk sometimes? Is this a big deal? What is better for me? To grieve like I need to or to run like I want to? So I stopped my snail's pace and walked. Then the most beautiful fragrance hit me. We have a long row of magnolia trees planted towards the back of the neighborhood and the blooms were just starting to open up. It was so sweet I had to stand and just smell. The perfume was perfect. The blooms were beautiful. I knew that if I had still been running I wouldn't have smelled them or seen them.
The rest of my walk was perfect. I spent the time praying. I thanked God for my legs. I thanked Him that I could walk. I thanked Him that I could run. I thanked Him for the fragrance of the magnolias. I thanked Him for His creation. I thanked Him for grief. I thanked Him for speaking to me.
I have learned that grief is a terrible thing to waste. It is hard and it is getting harder. I feel like I am just now climbing up the grief hill. I am not afraid of the pinnacle though. I also so know I can't do it without God. I know too that He grieves with me. Sometimes I will be able to run and sometimes I'll just have to walk. Both are good. Either way it isn't about me.
Whether I walk or I run, my desire is that my life is a sweet, pleasing fragrance to God.
So I run because I enjoy it. I set goals because I can. I walk to slow my life. I grieve because He enables me. All of this He allows me to do for the time being. Because acting spoiled makes me miss the aroma of His Spirit--which is always there for me.
So if you see me running, good. If you see me walking, even better. If you see me running fast, it probably isn't me :) If you see me crying when I am running, I am just talented. Sooooo.....
May we smell the magnolia's before we are too tired. May we be the magnolia's to God through our gratefulness in Christ's sacrifice. Always sweet, always fragrant, always blooming......whether running or walking.
Love Cami
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